03 Jun Build Your Own Ladder Out!
Recently I was talking to my friend, Will, and he said something that inspired me to record this episode. He works in the healing space and expressed frustration with people who want to eat junk food, smoke cigarettes, and get drunk but then come to him to be “healed” so that they can begin the cycle of trashing out their bodies all over again.
✔️ Sometimes in life: you are your own worst enemy. No cavalry is coming to save you and you need to build your own ladder out of the pit you put yourself into.
✔️ Trying to make someone else God Almighty and looking to them to save you from your own mess is not a great idea. It’s too much pressure on both you and them.
✔️ There are times when you need to be able to give yourself the closure or apologies that someone else will not. Some people are jerks– they will wound you deeply and never apologize for it. You have to be willing to give yourself that nurturing that you need.
✔️ If you’re in the pit right now, it probably didn’t happen overnight. Likewise, as you are building your own ladder out, it will probably not happen overnight either.
Special intro music: “Jacob’s Ladder” by Huey Lewis & The News.
Need more? Email me: https://causeyconsultingllc.com/contact-causey/
Transcription by Otter.ai. Please forgive any typos!
Hello, hello and welcome to today’s episode of the Causey Consulting Podcast. I’m your host Sara Causey and I’m also the owner of Causey Consulting, which you can find online anytime at CauseyConsultingLLC.com. Today’s show is going to be about building yo r own ladder. Probably not that big of a surprise since the intro music was Jacob’s Ladder by Huey Lewis and The News. fun trivia fact for you, Bruce Hornsby was the actual person who wrote that song. So if you’re ever in a trivia contest, and that question comes up, you’ll know the right answer. I really love this idea to have step by step rung by rung, all I want for tomorrow is to make it better than today, I’m doing the best that I can. And I’m just climbing it one rung at a time, not trying to change the world or uproot my entire life overnight, I’m just taking it one step at a time. And the biblical story itself is open to so many different interpretations. I think it’s an interesting concept of this kind of bridge between heaven and earth, that at any given time, we have one foot in the physical, mundane world, but then we also have a foot in the more astral spiritual world. Now, I also think it’s interesting that the angels ascend and then descend again, because I really, in my personal belief system think that we do get help from the spirit world, we do get help from the ancestors from our guardian angels. And that help is always available to us. Now, some people choose not to take advantage of it, some people are very convinced that if I can’t see it, taste it, touch it, smell it, then it just doesn’t exist. And it’s, of course, it’s a free country, it’s your choice to believe that but I really buy into this metaphor of being able to have some help from the other side when you need it. But without further adieu, let s get on to the topic. So I w s talking to my friend will t e other day and will is al o involved in coaching. He’s He s both a friend, but he’s al o involved in the coaching spac . And he does more work on lik , energy work, reiki, healing, f you’re not into anything n w age, or spiritual, that may e super woowoo to you, or he m y not even know what it means. B t just suffice it to say that’ , that’s kind of the space th t he’s in. And as we were talkin , one of the things that e mentioned was that he had had o just out of like mental physic l and spiritual exhaustion, real y clamped down on the number f clients that he would take on t any given time and also be lik , beyond picky about who he wor s with, and why I totally rela e to that. been there done th t and I came to the sa e conclusion myself. Now part f it for me is just my o n introversion and part of it s not wanting to live as a workaholic, I have been th t person before who burn t e candle at both ends did n t sleep properly fueled myself n caffeine and sugar to try o survive, and it’s not a go d look. But it’s also ment l health. I mean, I really lik d the way that will describe it s like physical, mental a d spiritual health. Because wh n you are attracting people in o your practice, that really don t want help, or they’re gon a fight you tooth and nail eve y step of the way. They’re goi g to be a right fighter, they’ e going to be argumentative. Lik , if you’re doing that all d y long with various people, it s so effing exhausting, when y u have very little left to give o your friends, your family a d yourself if that’s how you’ e spent your day. And so in wil s case, because he is in th t energy and Reiki healing spa e as well, he would get coachi g clients that would be lik , we’ll just fix this for me li e you just work some magic behi d the scenes and clean up my me s for me. Or he get Reiki clien s that you know would want to e t fast food, smoke cigarette , drink a lot of alcohol and ju t generally trash their body co e to him for a Reiki healing a d then want to be instantaneous y healed so that they could th n continue to pollute their bod . Like I want to come to you f r this healing ceremony so that I can leave here and then go get a greasy cheeseburger and s e smoke a bunch of cigarettes a d like not have any deleterio s health effects from it. He sa d you know after you deal wi h that so many times you just bu n out and you’re like no dammi , you know you got and here s here’s the here’s what inspir s this phraseology that inspir d me to record this episode. e said no, dammit, you d g yourself into the pit th t you’re in. Now instead of aski g me to throw you a rope and th n You out of the pit, you need o figure out a way to build yo r own ladder and climb out. Like I will help you, I will be yo r cheerleader, but I’m not goi g to build that damn ladder f r you. And I was sitting there n the other end of the pho e applauding him like, yep, l t the church say Amen, because y u are totally correct. And I wa t to give several examples here f why I think this is o important. And plea e understand, I want to make a very clear disclaimer here a d draw a very clear, unmistakab e line in the sand. If you ne d help, then you need to reach o t and ask for that help. There a e times in life where we cannot o everything on our own, n r should we be expected to you f you need to get into rehab for a drug and alcohol problem, do i . If you need to talk to a therapist or a counselor, do i . If you’re feeling some type f way in the middle of the nigh , and you need to call the suici e hotline, do it, you are n t expected to handle every probl m or to find every solution n your own. So I am not telli g you to never reach out for he p never, never have t e expectation that a profession l can help you. That’s not wh t I’m saying at all. And neith r is it what will was saying li e essentially what we were talki g about when we say like you don t quit asking everybody else o bail you out of your own mes , you need to have some gumpti n and some DIY here is like in t e example he’s giving, if y u continue to eat fast food, a d pizza, and drink a whole bun h of alcohol, smoke a bunch f cigarettes and you think th t somebody’s doing a Reiki heali g on you is gonna give y u permission to continue trashi g your body out, that’s not gon a work out so well for you li e you have to be able to put so e skin in the game. It can’t a l be about, hey, person ov r there, you be my Savior, y u come over here and bail me o t of my mess. And then if y u can’t do it, I’m going to e really butthurt and upse . That’s not going to work o t well for anybody. One way th t this can be incredib y beneficial and incredib y healing is giving yourse f closure, building your o n ladder out of the pit and givi g yourself closur especially in a situation where some party who has offended you or hurt you done you really freaking wrong is not going to step up and apologize. You know, I’ve recorded episodes before about individuals with the dark triad personality. Now I’m thinking about doing an episode about dark impacts. I recently learned about dark empathy and how that manifests. And it’s really freaking terrifying. You know, I don’t want to record a bunch of episodes to scare you. But I do want to make sure that my listeners who I care about very much are protecting themselves from people who might be near dwells. Anyway, these types of people that come into your life and hurt you and leave you very deeply wounded, very often are not going to sit down with you and apologize sincerely for the way that they hurt you. You’re going to have to provide the closure to yourself. And I want to share an exercise with you that a therapist shared with me that helped me so much it really profoundly changed my life. And it is one hell of a massive gift and I want to share it with you. So I gone through a really horrendous breakup, and I had been dating someone and I thought we really had a future together. And at the at the end of the relationship. This man confessed to me that he had essentially been playing a role that he wanted to be better he wanted to be the type of man that he thought I liked and be the type of man that he thought I deserved. But it was all a charade and he couldn’t keep up with the charade anymore and so he was leaving and that was enough of a head trip. Now that was enough like wait a minute what and it felt like a passive aggressive attack like well I tried to be somebody you’d like dog tried to be a man that I thought that you would deserve but like I just couldn’t as if to say that my standards were too high. Then just expecting somebody to be a decent honest person. But the plot thickens. But wait, there’s more. So he was planning to like totally dear john me he was gonna move off to another state without telling me and like drop a letter in the mail after he got to this place. And without you know an address on an AVI and and tell me all of these things in a freaking letter after ghosting me. And I had a few things at his house and he box those things up and actually left them he I was living in an area at the time that was off the beaten path you really had to it was inconvenient for him to have gone there to gone out of his way to go there but he left his box of my stuff on my freaking front porch with The letter the dear john letter in the box, and everything about the situation creeped me out because I’m like, why was he here? When he knew I wasn’t home? Why is this box here? It was, it was weird. Everything about it was weird and uncomfortable. The energy there was very bizarre. And I read this dear john letter that he had intended to mail to me after he got to the destination and, and it too was a head trip. So many things about that relationship. Were just bizarre. And it felt to me like I had had the rug pulled out from under me. And I had a lot of like, residual questions of what how could you not see this coming? How? How did your instincts and your intuition not tell you that this guy was an actor? How did you not know that he was a phony and a weirdo? Like, how did you get deceived? For this length of time? I had a lot of guilt with myself, like, how did you not know that this guy was a stone cold weirdo? And then what in the hell makes him think it’s okay to treat people this way? Everything about it was upsetting to me. So talking to a therapist trying to process all of this. And one of the things she said is all right, your assignment for this week is to go home. And I’m sure you’ve heard this exercise before you go home and you write an email or you write a letter that you don’t send, I want you to do that first. That’s the first step in this exercise, get everything out that you want to say to him, you’re a scumbag, you’re a weirdo, I can’t believe you did this. To me, nothing is off limits, just say whatever it is that you need to say. So I did that. And the next week, the secondary part of that assignment was really where stuff got life changing for me, because she said, Now I want you to answer the letter as him, I want you to answer yourself, saying the things to yourself from him as him that you wish that he would say, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have played this role I shouldn’t have led you on, I shouldn’t have played mind games with you, whatever it is, you need to hear from him, do it. Give yourself the closure that he’s not going to give you. And you know, maybe he wasn’t capable. Maybe there was some kind of emotional or mental, stunted development there to where he just was not capable of giving me that closure. This has been years ago. I neither know nor care, you know, I’m sure karma has gotten him, Lottie da. So I go and I do this exercise. And instead of writing the letter, I felt like for me, it would be more beneficial to like have a fake conversation. So like, made a pot of coffee, sat down on my kitchen table. Thank God, nobody was around that would have seen this and blank What on earth is going on. But I just like made play that we were at a coffee shop. And I imagined him sitting there saying all the things to me that that I really needed to hear to move on. I’m sorry, I should never have played a mind game with somebody like this. You are a human being you’re not a toy. We weren’t in a game this we weren’t LARPing like we were in a real life relationship with one another and it was totally crappy for me to treat you the way that I did. Then it was horrendous that I was just going to ghost you and put a dear john letter in the mail, rather than sitting down with you face to face and saying I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore. I I’m a coward. I am a bad dude. And I am sorry for the way that I treated you. And for me being able to do that was so cathartic. So healing and and after I did that kind of fo coffee shop conversation, it helped me to move on. I’m like, okay, I can let this junk go, I can set the baggage down and I can start the process of healing my heart. Instead of hanging on to all the confusion, all the anger, all the disappointment, I can focus on healing myself, instead of having all of these questions about why would he do this to me like I was able to set all that down and move on. But I had to make my own ladder in order to climb out of that pit, he wasn’t gonna throw me a rope. I had to make my own ladder and climb out. So if there’s some baggage that you’ve been hanging on to, whether it’s someone in childhood, who mistreated you, a client who was crappy to you somebody that ran up a big tab of your work and then didn’t pay whatever the case may be, you can always give yourself the closure, the mental and spiritual healing that you need, rather than waiting on that other person to give you an apology, which they may never do. You can do that for yourself. Another way this is helpful, is it stops you from living in denial. If you are not happy with some element of your life, then you need to take an honest appraisal of what’s going on. If you’re like man, I feel like I’m stuck in a job that I totally hate. I’m under appreciated. them overworked and underpaid will then start building your own ladder and climbing out of that instead of passively sitting back and saying, Well, I mean, maybe something better will come along or, you know, maybe a job will fall into my lap somehow, like, what are you going to do? What kind of action Are you going to take to build that ladder? And by the way, some of that action can be the mental and spiritual law of attraction type work, you can start calibrating your radar or your satellite system of like, okay, I want to attract a dream job, we’ll get clear about what you want. What’s going on in the dream job, what are you doing? What kind of money are you making, and then take some practical steps. It’s kind of like the metaphor, you know, of Jacob’s Ladder, where there’s a the physical, mundane world, but then there’s also the spiritual world, like you can be doing that spiritual and energetic work, of getting super clear and putting your beacon out saying, alright, I am open to new opportunities, I want this dream job to find me I want to be in the right place at the right time, I want to make sure that my efforts go towards this dream job. But then in the mundane physical realm, you can also hire a professional to polish up your LinkedIn profile, get with a professional resume writer, do some career coaching, I mean, there are things that you can do in tandem with one another, to help build that ladder. But sitting at your cubicle, or you know, if you’re working at home, sitting in your home office getting on 20 million zoom calls a day wanting to cut your wrists like you don’t have to sit there and put up with that. You can build your own ladder and climb out rather than just going well, like your woe is me, oh bother. I guess I’ll just be stuck in this crappy job forever. If that’s what you’re telling yourself, you absolutely will be something else that’s very closely related to this point, that I want to make it its own separate point because of how damn important it is. Climbing your own ladder. And, and build building and climbing your own ladder out of the pit also shows you how strong you are. It really develops personal power. There are times in life when the cavalry is not coming. Nobody’s going to you know like a prince charming on a white steed is not going to ride up over the hill and come and save you like you’re going to have to save yourself. And I think the more that we bring this, like whiny, little kid energy into life of like, well, he just want somebody else to come and solve this problem for me, why don’t you do this for me? First of all, I hate that. I don’t care what gender you are, I don’t care what age you are. If you are, you know, not a toddler or a baby anymore. If you are past the point of like the terrible twos or threes, then you don’t need to be whining around about that it just it grates on my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. And fortunately, I’ve been able in my coaching practice to really filter out individuals who want to interact with the world that way. And part of that is just by doing podcast episodes like this and writing blog posts, etc. that really make it clear, I’m no nonsense, no bullshit. So if you’re one of these people that’s like, easily easy to do all the work for me, you know, just just Buzz off. I’m so not interested in that. If you’re always whining, and playing the martyr, and asking other people to solve your problems for you, how are you ever going to know that you can solve those problems yourself? How are you ever going to develop a sense of self reliance, courage, poise, that there’s a real like badass amount of strength that comes from knowing I can do this? You know, I love the book, feel the fear and do it anyway. I’ve mentioned it on many episodes and talked about it with clients publicly and privately. It is such a great book and part of it goes back to personal power. Having that phrase in your mind, whatever happens, I’ll handle it. I’ve already survived my worst days. I’m my, the toughest experience the worst pain I’ve ever had. It hasn’t killed me, I’m still on this side of the dirt for now. I’ll handle it, whatever it is, I’ll handle it. If I need legitimately to ask for help. If I need to get professional advice or counseling, I will. But I’m not going to whine and cry like a toddler. And I’m also not going to expect that professional to be my personal Savior and to do everything for me. You know, if you believe in God, you believe in Jesus. You believe that? That? In the spirit world? Yes, that’s my Savior. That’s completely different from asking a human being to be God or asking a human being to be Jesus. Other people are fallible, other people make mistakes and putting that kind of enormous pressure on another person to be perfect. And to come in and save you from yourself. It’s a hell of a lot of pressure. So at this point, you may be asking, all right, I get what you’re saying, but I’m in the pit. How do I get out? And what’s the even the first step to building this ladder to get back on level ground? Well, step one absolutely is the decision that you will the decision, I can do this, even if I don’t have all of the answers right now, I don’t know how this ladder is gonna come together. And it might not look very pretty, but I know it’ll be functional. That first step of just simply deciding that you’re going to help yourself and get out of the pit. That’s that is absolute step number one. The next thing is step by step, rung by rung, you don’t have to build the entire ladder in five minutes and get back out on level ground, the longer than it took you to get into that pit. It may take you a long time as well to cobble the ladder together to get out of it. Maybe it won’t, I don’t know. But I don’t want you to put an excessive amount of pressure on yourself to try to solve all of life’s mysteries in 10 minutes. In the same way that it’s too much pressure to try to make another human being God Almighty, it’s too much pressure on yourself to try to say alright, you better solve your problems in the next 10 minutes or else. The next thing I will say is, can you turn your pain into power? Can you turn your tragedies into triumphs? What can you do to learn from things that have happened? And to transmogrify or trance, transform, that pain and that raw emotion and that hurt into personal power? It is definitely doable. Again, it’s not an overnight process. But once you learn how to funnel that energy, because I think that’s a really good way of looking at it so many things in life, especially as we start boiling them down to the atomic or subatomic level. They’re just energy. So consider how you can take that energy that maybe you’ve been putting into being angry and upset over an ex. How can you turn that into personal power? Or maybe you’ve been sitting around thinking about Sally Sue on the playground said something terrible to me when we were in kindergarten and I can’t let go of it. Well, how can you learn to let go of it and then transform this pain that Sally Sue gave to you into something that you can use to be a badass mF are now in adulthood? There are definitely ways to do it. And once you learn the system that works personally for you to take that energy from something that’s hurting you and making you feel bad about yourself into something really positive. I think of it like the Iron Man suit. You remember if you’re if you’re not a comic book nerd, okay, bear with me. But in the Avengers, there’s this great scene where Iron Man and Thor get into a battle in the forest. And Thor lights up his Iron Man suit with a bunch of lightning coming out of his hammer, and it charges the Iron Man suit up to 400%. And he’s like, oh, what do you know about that, and he just blasts this tremendous burst of energy back out of the suit. And it’s like more energy that’s ever than then has ever come out of it before. You can do the same thing. can take all of those pains, all of those slides, all of those hurts. Give yourself the closure and the healing that you need. Again, reach out for professional help if you need it, and be willing to put some skin in the game and do the work that your therapist or counselor advises you to do. And then take all of that energy absorb that energy from the hammer and blast it out of your suit. You will be freaking amazed at how powerful and how badass you really are. If you enjoyed today’s episode, please share it. If you haven’t already. Take a quick second to subscribe to this podcast and leave review for us on iTunes. Bye for now.