13 Jul Who’s Living Rent-Free?
What/Who do you allow live in your head rent-free? Are you reliving past mistakes or pains over and over? Are you living your life as a middle finger in the air to someone else? Your business is like a seed– you want to plant it in good soil. Doing it as an act of revenge or spite leads to a lot of trouble for you, not for your enemies. I know it because I’ve lived it.
✔️ The things you think about show up in your life.
✔️ There’s a difference between righteous anger that galvanizes personal or social change versus sitting around plotting revenge on someone else.
✔️ Are you carrying negative comments from years ago? How about leaving those in the dust and moving forward.
✔️ Analyzing a problem can be helpful; ruminative thinking is not.
✔️ Make sure you have a creative or physical outlet to blow off steam.
Need more? Email me: https://causeyconsultingllc.com/contact-causey/
Transcription by Otter.ai:
Hello, hello and welcome to today’s episode of the Causey Consulting Podcast. I’m your host Sara Causey and I’m also the owner of Causey Consulting, which you can find online anytime at CauseyConsultingLLC.com. You’re flying solo with me today and I want to talk about not allowing people and places and pain to take up space in your head rent-free. There are many times in life when someone says something cruel to us, or they do us wrong. We hang on to it for a very long time. Long after the perpetrator who did the terrible thing has moved on or may not even be alive anymore. We’re still hanging on to whatever that hurt was. So it doesn’t just torment us the first time that it happens. It torments us over and over again by taking up space in our head. It really is true that your own mind can become a heaven or a hell, depending on what kind of thought life you have. Wayne Dyer would always talk about the things that you focus on and the things that you think about are the things that expand and the things that show up in your life. So when you realize that you become very careful and very intentional about the thoughts that you think repetitively, you get pretty selective about what you allow to go on up there. The truth is, we can say things to ourselves or about ourselves that we would never say to another person or about another person. We can engage in terrible negative self talk and we can replay instead of our greatest hits, we can sit and replay our worst moments. Oh, I remember the time that I tripped in the hallway in sixth grade and everyone laughed at me. It’s like okay, but who cares? That’s been so long ago. Most people probably do not remember it. So why on earth are you still hanging on to it? many articles have been written about rumination. So I don’t want to ever suggest that it’s a good idea to live in denial or that you want to try to suppress or repress any kind of emotions. When something bad happens to us or we have a difficult time you want to purge those feelings out. You don’t want to pretend that this person didn’t hurt your feelings or that you didn’t go through a painful experience. You want to find an outlet in a healthy way to get rid of those emotions so that you’re not hanging on to them. The ruminative thinking kicks in when we’re just rehashing an event or a thing that happened just over and over and over again. I think it was TD Jakes who said that worry is rehearsing a problem over and over again without coming to any kind of a solution. We can do that to ourselves, we could beat ourselves up and just nitpick. Instead of saying, alright, I’m going to pick a solution and move in that direction, we then begin to nitpick the solution we’ve come up with and spin off into a panic attack about what if this doesn’t work? What if that goes wrong? What if he says this? What if she doesn’t show up? And before we know it, we’ve sent ourselves into a complete Cataclysm, probably over nothing at all. I have a client who struggled with something like this, I’m telling this story with His permission. And I’m certainly not going to mention anything about who he is or what he does. But I just want to tell the story with His permission for the audience’s benefit for those of you who are listening so that you can understand how these things have a way of rooting into our minds. So this client enjoyed playing baseball throughout his childhood and throughout school, and he had the dream of going into the major leagues. And his father made the comment to him like, well, son, you’re good, but you’re not that good. I think if you set your goal of going into the minor leagues, that would be better. Because in the minor leagues, you would be considered a really good player. And it’s better in life to be a big fish in a little pond. If you go into the major leagues, you’re going to be one of the crappier players. But if you go into the minors, you’re going to be really good. So wouldn’t you rather be a really good player in the minor leagues and to be a crappy player in the major leagues? And that comment stuck with him. And he found himself limiting himself in the goals that he would pursue and the things that he would dream about in business, because of that comment, because his father had imparted to him that it’s better to be a big fish in a little pond, then to play ball in the major leagues. One of the things Things that he and I have worked on together, is getting that thought and those limiting beliefs connected to what he was told out of his life. Not rehashing that moment, not reliving it over and over and over and over again. But just simply acknowledging that it happened and then poking holes in that statement and being able to challenge it and prove that it’s wrong and then put it to bed permanently. We also want to be careful about what types of emotions that we use as fuel. There are times in life when anger is righteous, and it’s well deserved, and it can spur personal change, it can spur societal change. There are times in life when we may set a goal out of revenge. And I would liken it to planting a good seed in bad soil. I mean picturing in my mind right now I have some corn that’s growing up and the stocks have gotten fairly high. Even though I’ve taken a lot of care to get those plants going, if I went outside and threw battery acid all over the corn stalks, they would cease to grow, it would be a very destructive act. In the same way, you may have an idea you may have a goal, something that you really want to pursue and go after. But if you’re doing it out of emotions like anger, hatred, revenge, bitterness, you’re setting yourself up for failure and for misery. As all of you know, I am quite and very willing to tattle on myself about things. When I started my staffing business in 2016, there was certainly an undertone in my mind of wanting to show everybody anyone who had ever wronged me in the Business any colleague who had ever stabbed me in the back or stolen an account from me, any manager who had ever said anything disparaging any client who had ever done me wrong, I was going to show them, they were really going to rue the day. Once I got to sit around the house, working from home in my pajamas and making tons of money, I was really gonna stick it to them. It was gonna be like two middle fingers up in the air to the whole staffing business of northeast Oklahoma. I can’t, you know, I mean, I can’t help but laugh even as I’m saying that have a big smile on my face because it’s like, the only person who did any ruin of the day was me. There are some great Buddhist proverbs about drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die or holding on to a hot coal with the intention or the idea that you’re going to throw it at somebody else. The only person who gets burned by that hot coal is you. When we’re in that kind of space, we very often consider what we’re running away from. And not always what we’re running towards. If you get into a place of happiness and contentment, and you want to multiply those emotions, it’s much easier than trying to start a business or set a goal from a place of revenge, anger, bitterness, dis ease, unhappiness, malcontent, I’m just picturing all of these negative emotions, like someone with their teeth bared like I’m going to come and get you. That never goes well. More often than not the business fails and in situations where the person is in spite of all of those negative emotions, able to actually make some money, they don’t wind up keeping it. They get to the top of the mountain and they feel very alone, very unhappy. All the same emotions that they thought they were going to escape from when they started a business out of spite, they find are right up there on the mountaintop waiting for them. Even though they may have 100 grand in the bank free and clear, that’s theirs, they’re still miserable. You’ll always want to remember wherever you go, there you are. Fortunately, there are a variety of ways to get those negative emotions out. Working with a good therapist or counselor who understands you is extremely helpful. And also having a good physical outlet to express what’s going on internally. super helpful. It could be punching a punching bag or doing some type of aggressive high impact exercise. Some people actually prefer low impact exercise, they enjoy doing yoga or going for a walk outside communing with nature. As a farmer and rancher, I find it really rewarding to put my feet in the dirt or to go dig in the garden. And there’s I think I read one time that there’s like the word escapes me now that I’m recording this like feel good euphoric type of biomes in the soil. So it’s like you get Sarah tone and I think is maybe the word I was looking for. But like you can, you can kind of get some good emotional boosts from contact with dirt. So some people find it very healing to take their shoes off and just touch the actual Earth. If you’re in an urban area where you’re around a lot of concrete and asphalt if you can get to a park and just actually touch some real grass and some real dirt. I promise you it is surprisingly healing. Some people enjoy breaking things. I have a friend who went to a garage sale and purchased a box of old dishes. I think for like $5 there was a whole dish were set in there. She had some residual angst going on about some things that were done to her that shouldn’t have been. So she bought this box of dishes and she said a couple of like plastic tarps out on her concrete driveway and put some safety glasses on and just had an absolute dish breaking party absolutely enjoyed it felt a lot better after she had done it. There are also places popping up where you can do axe throwing. I mean, I myself like to go out with it with an axe or a bow saw and if I’ve got some limbs that need to come down, it feels really good to just tear some sh*t up. There is something very healing about the act of of doing that. Something else to bear in mind is that humans are selfish creatures by nature, in the same way that your prospects want to know what’s in it for me, how are you going to solve my problem? How are you going to make life better? What are you going to do that’s going to be beneficial for me, as opposed to us sitting there going over your process or your products features 1000 times over these people who have wronged you. By and large, they they’ve moved on, they may not even remember the negative comment that they made. Or if they punched you in the jaw in fifth grade, the chances are good, they’ve moved on and forgotten about that. So you hanging on to this negative event and replaying it over and over again, is doing more damage to you than it is to the person who inflicted the pain on you in the first place. I understand that’s not fair. I understand that it’s not right. But I want to encourage you not to poison the well for yourself. By dwelling on the negative things that have happened. I would rather that you find a way to shift yourself out of that. space and focus on all the delicious possibilities that exist in the present moment, then to dwell on something that’s happened to you, that was wrong. Again, a good therapist, a good counselor can be a wonderful ally for helping you move out of that as can a coach under the right set of circumstances. But the main takeaway that I want to give you for this episode is do not allow these negative people places and things to take up space in your head, rent free. You are valuable, you matter, and you can and will accomplish great things. I hope you found today’s episode useful if you did, please share it. If you haven’t already, please take the time to subscribe to this podcast and leave a review for us on iTunes. Bye for now.